doing soldering by yourself with a noisey fan and a poorly lit room seems anti social and sad somewhat.

i was doing the monotonous soldering of wires to a board with my hands while my mind went on. i started to think about goodfriday, God dying for us sinners again. i started thinking about how unworthy of him we were all. and inevitably my sinful nature popped up. i sat there and thought of all the sins i've been doing, there were too many to count or list. and some were just horrible. i went on to think of myself as a christian, what does it mean. examplery in word and in deed? undying faith? what was it. i realised that i've been giving christians a bad name. cursing swearing being short tempered. my pulse thumped ever harder as i went deeper in thought. i needed more thinking time, more reflection time. the soldering iron went back into the holder and i sat in my emo corner again. i kept thinking about all the things i've been doing and how nonchristians would've viewed them. then i thought about my brothers and sisters in Christ. how much more i have to work to be where they are. i was so pathetic, sitting there thinking through all my bad deeds. i picked myself up and continued soldering. and again, the thoughts of repentance and sinfulness flew back in to mind. it was as if the Holy Spirit was trying to teach me a lesson from what i've been doing. and then i started to cry. and almost every drop landed on the iron. my hand trembled from the crying and i burnt myself. but that didn't matter at all. that sort of ache in my heart was way worst than that. i need to learn, and i need God's help so much. because in this materialistic world, we get caught up in it ever so often, and we start to lose God. we start to lose our moral values. we start to lose our self control. i did at least, and i need to learn not to.

and that was how i spent my night.