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Friday, February 01, 2008

i'm feeling emo beyond emoness that i've known before, so like instead of cutting my wrist like last night(i can't see, it's still healing) i shall just post gibberish. you may choose not to read(like anyone reads my blog) or try to see what or who or why or whatever i'm talking about

i'm lost. but i guess that's part life isnt it. everyone gets lost once in awhile, and people around him or her will pull them back, forging everlasting friendships, or so i'm told. i don't want to go into thie night thinking everything's fine, or decieving myself to think i'm fine. i bleeding and killing myself over how i'm feeling now but i don't want this to end. not till i learn something from it. and i'll squash myself into this corner tonight just listening to music and hope these feelings will go away, leaving me with a scar for life. my heart's heavy, my breathing's unbearable. i can't think straight, and if that isnt enough, robotic's pulling me down like crap. CNY's coming up and i just don't want to go out, i don't want to eat. i'm afraid i'll fall into depression with all the nooverobsessive eating habits and stuff. how isit everytime i feel happy, i suspect it's a facade and lose happiness. then when it does turn out to be a facade i'll just drop down that well even deeper, never to get out of it. and everytime my heart races, i just happen to be staring at something pretty from down below, like a rainbow, a ray of hope, your face. so it seems that i'll just keep dropping and dropping and dropping. not like i was supposed to rise anyway. as i go deeper, the world's just getting darker and darker and darker. and soon there won't be a ray of light passing through the thin air. and something tells me i'll be happiest then, because i will never have to bluff myself into thinking there's some hope left. and i know everyone's reading this telling me i'm only sec2, there's nothing to worry about. yea that's probably true. it's also probably true i'm just spoilt and petty, it's also probably true that i'm self centred. i'm a jerk. i'm a loser. the moon's up tonight. it's really pretty. i need strength. i really do. i guess everyone does. and so tomorrow's a new day, a new day with new hopes new dreams new possiblities, tied down by the failures and tiredness of today. there isn't a way across this, and only time will tell i suppose. i'm slacking, and i'm still slackening. i'm losing my grip, i'm losing the will i once had to continue and fight on. i remember the time where i either had a night to rush on something i knew had a high chance of not working, or go to sleep for the competition the next day. i chose the former. and now i'm sitting here wondering where has that gone to. i don't have to succeed, i don't have to do well, i don't have to bother about what others think about me all i have to do is know that i did my best. and now the protective barrier around me is broken, and i don't have the time to rebuild it. so what, i'll remain a victim to all of this for as long as school's on. i have brothers in school. brothers who have no emotional quotient. and my sisters, they have their own friends and problems to worry about, bothering them's just stupid. and i shall just end this post here since i really don't know how to express the way i'm feeling now. this doesn't and isn't helping at all but what the heck

like janan said, it sucks to be me.

It reunited at 9:06 AM